Letters to Carey-In memory

Over the course of the last year, I have emailed a woman with terminal cancer. She was an incredible human being. I was cleaning my "mailbox and decided to keep her letters.

Carey,
 October 1.2013
I was talking to Christie tonight. I was going to make cobbler for people but I found myself buying the ingredients for chocolate chip pumpkin bread. When Syd was in the hospital the last time we could only visit 3 x a week. They would not help her with hygiene and she has never been able to wash her hair. For some reason, not being able to see her much and then when I did see her seeing her look like a homeless person put me over the edge. I did not sleep for two days and my heart was breaking! I told Heavenly Father it was the silliest thing in the world, but I had washed so many peoples hair over the years and no one would wash my little girls hair. It was already bad enough that we had a second daughter experiencing psychosis, but now this? I was pacing and pacing. I had already sent my mother-in-law away because of the dirty dish rag thing (ooopsss) so I was apologizing to God about that. Just when I thought I was going to lose my mind with grief
the doorbell rang. It was Christie with pumpkin  bread and chocolate chips! I had already said no to food, but I took the pumpkin bread and poured out the whole story about the hospital not washing Syds hair. I dont even remember what she said, but I just knew she had been sent by God. After she left the hospital called and told me they had arranged for someone to wash Syd's hair! I sunk to the floor in relief and that night I slept. It is not always easy for me to accept help. I have been earning my own living since I was 14 and have had to do a lot on my own. That silly pumpkin bread,  however, was like manna from heaven for me that day.  I wish I was like my friend JoAnn...I wish I accepted things graciously and saintly and all those things you read about in the great novels, but I don't! I just wish my kids hadn't had to go through the pigsty of life and that they could've had all their wildest dreams come true on the North star!I wish I hadn'tturned semi-hermit in my house while I am working crap out. But the truth is, I still struggle. I still have PTSD from some issues that I am working through, but for some weird reason I have made over 20 loaves of pumpkin bread this past 2 weeks and put them in the freezer for the RS(of course I discovered Dave and the kids ate most of them but thats beside the point)talking to you has helped me because I am not quite ready to talk about Tahiti and spray tans yet in the general female setting maybe someday, but not yet and if I am never ready I will just keep baking pumpkin bread and hoping for the day when the Savior will dry up all the tears and  mend our hearts.  Have a good evening with your lovely family ;)

NB


October 12,2013

Good Evening,

  Just thinking of you guys and knowing that you are home a lot.  I am just sending thoughts your way and letting you know we are thinking of you.

  This past summer I have been reading many works from my father's favorite author and I have felt myself getting closer to my dad.  At times I did not always get a long with my dad ,though I sensed there was a lot about him I did not know or understand.  My mom and I realize now he probably has a form of autism and was not always capable of expressing emotion. By reading some of his favorite books I have somehow bridged some gaps.  I cried all through "Dandelion Wine", by Ray Bradbury and my dad always said this was his favorite book.  It somehow paints  a modern journey through life better than almost anything else I have read. It is charming!  

“Tom,” he said, “you and your statistics gave me an idea. I’m going to do the same, keep track of things. For instance: you realize that every summer we do things over and over we did the whole darn summer before?.. That’s one half of summer, Tom.”

“What’s the other half?” “Things we do for the first time ever… Thinking about it, noticing it, is new. You do things and don’t watch. Then all of a sudden you look and see what you’re doing and it’s the first time, really. I’m going to divide the summer up in two parts. First part of this tablet is titled: RITES AND CEREMONIES. The first root beer pop of the year. The first time running barefoot in the grass of the year. First time almost drowning in the lake of the year. First watermelon. First mosquito. First harvest of dandelions. Those are the things we do over and over and over and never think. Now here in back, like I said, is DISCOVERIES AND REVELATIONS or maybe ILLUMINATIONS, that’s a swell word, or INTUITIONS, okay? In other words you do an old familiar thing, like bottling dandelion wine, and you put that under RITES AND CEREMONIES. And then you think about it, and what you think, crazy or not, you put under DISCOVERIES AND REVELATIONS. Here’s what I got on the wine: Every rime you bottle it, you got a whole chunk of 1928 put away, safe. How you like that, Tom?”

Anyway, it was kind of weird, but as I read it I got the richest, brightest sense of my life. Even with it's weird quirky moments and its dull, monotonous days.  And it also gave me a sense of remembering and blessing the LOT of it! The good, the bad ( yes even the ugly) and even feeling it was ALL ok ;)

Love,

Budge's

OCTOBER 20,2013

Hi!
    I am not sure why I am sending you these emails. Maybe it is because during the times when I have had sick family members I was cooped up in my house, didn't feel like chit-chat and yet I HAD cabin-fever.  I longed for some kind of social activity and yet I was worried the conversation would inevitably turn to "guess what" the elephant in the room...the only thing I or anyone talked about anymore "THE ILLNESS".

The clouded activity seemed to have  descended upon me like some kind of hat that took over my thoughts.  It was a really strange situation to be in. On one hand I really could have used some help, but I didn't know what I needed or what to ask for. The last thing I wanted was "food"...how was "food" going to help anything? I had completely lost my appetite, hadn't showered in days. The RS had offered to bring meals in, but then I would have had to answer the door and then they would have asked how things were going. Did I really have to
answer that question again? I found myself wishing I had a little trap door like they did in prison where they could just slide food under and I wouldn't have to talk to anyone.

  it wasn't like I was cooking for my other kids...they were stuck with chicken nuggets and mac and cheese...it really was just I could NOT bear to talk to anyone. My mother-in-law had come over, but I found the reorganizing and little questions she had like, "Do you have a special hamper to put just your dirty rags in", extremely perplexing during a time when my daughter had forgotten that I was her mother and that she had a family. I thought, "Uh, why do I care about where dirty rags end up?" I had to go hide in my room and scream in my pillow. I was not a gracious hostess.

    Please do whatever you need to do for you and your family.  Accept what you need and send whatever else away.  I just had a co-worker tell me that right before her mother passed away a neighbor rang the door bell with a "miracle" carrot juice that was supposed to help.  Her mother said, "What the *%$#@ is she doing here! I am not going to drink that! Leave me a lone."

Good Evening! October 21,2013

  I found a quote today and absolutely LOVED it! I will say that I have always had a problem with "time"

maybe because I don't track it well and I am perpetually late for things.  Time is a blessing and a curse. It can heal all wounds, but is responsible for our mortal probationary state and is NOT the natural order of things in heaven. We are immortal beings. That is why this whole growing old business is such a surprise.  Without time, the degradation and breakdown of  matter simply comes to a standstill. The chaos of the universe ends.  There is something that extends beyond time when it comes to living creatures.  Most people call this the "soul".  In the creative process of bringing the soul of man to their probationary state, a woman is in a sacred place close to Heaven's door.  Maybe I have seen this so apparently because I have had the amazing opportunity to work in Labor and Delivery all these many years.  Whatever happens, I don't know if I have ever heard it described as eloquently as by Ray Bradbury's interesting tribute to women.

"Oh, what strange wonderful clocks women are. They nest in Time. They make the flesh that holds fast and binds eternity. They live inside the gift, know power, accept, and need not mention it. Why speak of time when you are Time, and shape the universal moments, as they pass, into warmth and action?"

RAY BRADBURY

Nicole

Hi! October 25,2013

I took a few days off. Work was busy and I was so tired, I almost drove off the road...BLAST! Luckily, chatty Dani was in the car with me and that was that.  Any how, I have also been thinking a lot about something.

I might have shared a story before about a wonderful friend I made who had terminal cancer. She was a lucky individual who up until the day she died had a pleasant disposition and had a message of being "thankful" in all circumstances to share with everyone she met.  I was very grateful to have met her acquaintance because up to that point in my life I had not known enough about how we are schooled by adversity...HOWEVER...I've decided we cannot and should not all be like sweet JoAnn, even smiling when in pain. I, myself , am not that way. I understand and realize we need adversity and that it is to be for our benefit.

  It gives me comfort to know that the Savior himself was a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. We all deal with grief in different ways.  With our daughters illnesses, my husband has been a rock and has been quiet about a lot of his feelings. I am not the same way.  I have decided it has got to be OK, either way and that the savior loves both kinds of people because he created us.  

I have had the HARDEST time after the girls have gotten better, after the storms have passed and when the twelve years of high alert have passed.

Our family prays for your family with every meal and just know "however and whatever" you need to do to make it through is ok.

Love you!

Grief is a Mouse -- by Emily Dickinson

Grief is a Mouse --
And chooses Wainscot in the Breast
For His Shy House --
And baffles quest --

Grief is a Thief -- quick startled --
Pricks His Ear -- report to hear
Of that Vast Dark --
That swept His Being -- back --

Grief is a Juggler -- boldest at the Play --
Lest if He flinch -- the eye that way
Pounce on His Bruises -- One -- say -- or Three --
Grief is a Gourmand -- spare His luxury --

Best Grief is Tongueless -- before He'll tell --
Burn Him in the Public Square --
His Ashes -- will
Possibly -- if they refuse -- How then know --
Since a Rack couldn't coax a syllable -- now.

Budge's :)

Hi! October 28 2013

One time a therapist told me something I will never forget.  It affected me so profoundly I still remember what she was wearing. She was wearing a lime green dress suit.

I thought it looked a little bit hippie-ish but every time I see that color my heart brightens. I think we had just discovered Lauren had Asperger's, Syd had a lower IQ and Alyssa had Tourette's. Negative thoughts and self-pity parties were part of my everyday happenings. This woman told me, " In a way you are lucky! Your family will never lose each other. So many families lose each other in soccer games, video games,

individual pursuits that they scarcely know what is happening. This will never happen to your family! You will be close because you will have no other choice." I walked out of her office a little upset. What in the world was she talking about? How could THIS be lucky? The nerve! I don't think I booked another appointment because I really did NOT like what she said.

 However..

Sometimes we would put the girls in separate rooms in bed, but in the morning we would find the girls sleeping all in the same bed like 5 puppies! A pack of friends in life and in circumstance. 

 When we would hear stories of couples breaking up over dirty socks on the stairs,

Dave and I would  just wink at each other and hold hands. 

 

 One time when Dave was taking me through the veil in the temple the white-dressed temple worker with a bee-hive hair-do

(I will never forget her either) said she had the sweetest feeling she had ever had when a guy had taken a gal through the veil. I am thankful she shared that thought with us. I think it is because we would be required to have SO much strength in this life and the next to hold onto each other that maybe she felt prompted to share her feelings with us. I have needed to recall those words from that temple worker often. I have needed to remember Dave's hand bringing me through that curtain...

I KNOW the priesthood has kept our family together through HORRIBLE sickness that would have ripped most families apart. I know that power of the priesthood will extend beyond death and restore my children's bodies to what Father needs them to be after this life. I do not have a problem with the whole "man vs. women's" roles in the priesthood because we have had to use the priesthood SO much it has not mattered where or whom was supplying the energy from God, only that it was there and that we were SO grateful it had been restored to the earth.  When I think about the power of the priesthood in the temple protecting my family and bringing us through everything on both sides of the veil, I have more hope.  When I think about my kids cuddled up like puppies at night, I know we will never lose each other.

The lime-green dress lady and the white dress lady were BOTH right :)

 

Your family will NEVER lose each other EITHER!

Love,

Nicole