True North-of an absolute bearing












Lyrics


If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

Songwriters: Brent Smith / Dave Bassett
If You Only Knew lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management


 Once again insomnia has spread it's huge,  black cloud across my eyes, annoyingly blocking my view of dreamland. Like a nocturnal shoe-elf, I start working in the middle of the night and set my task for cleaning.  However, having a child sick with possible seizures has given me situational ADHD. I start cleaning a counter and drift off to sanitize a toilet bowl. I was shocked when I only made half of my bed yesterday! Of course, it was my side. Subconsciously I left the bunched up sheets and ten pillows to the other owner of my bed.  I find I clean more when someone is sick. I cannot control their situation or experience, but I can scour the egg and Teflon off a frypan. Dusting is never a favorite activity but in episodes of worry, I find that scattering the fine layer of settled particles gives me hope.  Blowing it away with my breath is like making a wish on a seeded dandelion. I am blowing my breath of life, my prayers, and kisses on whatever electromagnetic wave is passing by. Sending a message of love to the unseen rhythms of the universe. It's not much, but it is the best a mother can do at times like this. 

Tired of cleaning, I  find I am drawn to documentaries.  Addictive soap-operas to a curious mind, these shows have never been as accessible as they are now. These nonfictional portrayals, give my brain something interesting to focus on.  Today I'm watching the Bajau sea gypsies; nomadic seafarers that drift most of their lives through a water-bound world.  In Asia, this type of living is not unheard of. Some people are even born on boats, live most of their lives on the water and die at sea. Their bodies are so accustomed to the waves and the tides of their watery world that they become landsick when they occasionally go ashore. The pull of gravity against their feet sets their equilibrium all askew. "It is a disorder of rocking vertigo and imbalance that starts after a period of motion exposure".

  For those of us who have spent days or even years in a figurative world of not water, but motion exposure, the periods of disembarkment on shore, or periods of calm, seem strange and disorienting. These experiences are common to those in any myriad of life's experiences that involve prolonged exposure to sickness, financial troubles or even relationship worries. It is also common in the world of special-needs parenting. The occasional trips ashore, or health stability, are a welcome reprieve. Yet, back on the boat, we go as the peaks and valleys of the ocean waves mirror the rolling up and down rhythms of chronic illness.

 Because we have spent so much time "at sea" special-needs parents should not be surprised when the occasional storm rolls in and attempts to swamp the family boat. And, because it is just part of human nature to seek equilibrium, homeostasis, and balance- storms are just something the homo-sapien might biologically try to avoid. Our family is not only back in the boat but on the cusp of some unknown storm. The billowing gray nimbus clouds are on the horizon and tiny drops of precipitation dot my scalp. Tomorrow we go see the neurologist and I am not overly enthused. The last time we visited a neurologist with this child they thought she might be headed for a vegetative state. Just because that was a BIG storm then, OK it was a freakin' typhoon, does not mean we are even headed for the same weather pattern now. My wayward steering of the family boat and my point of sail( the ability to point my craft in relation to true wind direction) might be off point. My mind turns to other storms I have experienced in my life, searching for the reference point of absolute bearing( what sailors seek in nautical directions)-  or true North. 



Some people are shocked to hear we get torrential downpours in the desert. One was this last summer at girl's camp when I was the camp nurse.  The deluge ripped through the center of our camp and came pretty close to taking out our cabin.  When the water was mere inches from our door, I was ready to evacuate. One of the young girls said, "Why don't we  try praying?" I was embarrassed I hadn't thought of this and agreed to give it a try, that we had nothing to lose. Her voice was calm and confident as she asked for the Lord's will to be shown and to stop the rain. Coincidence or miracle, the rain stopped a few minutes later and the waters abated. I will never forget the sound of her voice praying that day. Maybe none of us will.  After that, we had some of the camp counselors burst into the cabin shivering. One was almost losing consciousness.  When I checked her temperature it was one of the lowest I have seen.  In fact, it was the same number,93.0 F I viewed in the ER years earlier and that patient ended up in the ICU recovering. Her blood pressure was also low. I was used to working in a hospital with warmed fluids, Bair hugger blankets, medication, and doctor's telling me what to do! Here I was warming her with blankets hand warmers, anything I could think of, but still knew I was missing something. After a priesthood holder in the cabin gave her a healing blessing, the blessing said those who cared for her would know what to do and she would improve. Coincidentally, at that moment, into my brain appeared the image of her two girls surrounding her in the blanket, warming her up. Someone else thought of the same thing and we rushed out to find her girls! Within ten minutes of her snuggling with her daughters, she stabilized. We had all survived the storm!   

 Another famous storm occurred many years ago- "Matthew 8:23-27" Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown! He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this/ even the winds and the waves obey him!"

  I know even when I am waywardly guiding our boat against the storm, He sees the direction of the wind and can correct the point of sail.  He truly does have the ability to calm the elements: including the elemental matter in this mom's heart. 

 He is my true North - of an absolute bearing.

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