Boomerang






It happened again. This time I was in an unknown city, unknown Walmart, nonchalantly making my simple selections and placing them at the bottom of the metallic, tic-tac-toe patterned shopping cart. I always get the cart with the jumpy wheel and we lurch along aisle after aisle. I figure the extra noise from my cart alerts shoppers I am coming through plus I am too lazy to get a new cart. "What if I try three more carts and they all have bad wheels?" I muse.  I am purposely trying to distract myself as I make my way toward the cosmetic and pharmaceutical section.  At last, I have no choice and no other purchases so I glide over and find myself face to face with my last dreaded selection. I have to purchase more adult diapers for my twenty-two-year-old. There are purple diapers, there are green diapers, there are even some with pretty lace and butterflies, but I hate them all.  The pit in my stomach grows larger and a low groan emerges. "Oh, no! It's happening again!" I say to myself; the hollow pit has ascended; gone up to my throat. The next stop is behind my eyes and suddenly the pit morphs into water. It spills over its warm, salty reservoirs. Single water fall lines cascade down my cheeks and now everyone can see my visible grief.  My eyes blur and I decide. " I simply can't make this purchase today". I am in denial and I know it, but I also cannot accept that this has happened to my beautiful girl.

About 6 weeks ago we had thought at first she had simply experienced some regression.  It was difficult to take, but we accepted schizophrenia was a cyclic illness and when she asked for toys at Christmas, we thought she was just experiencing a little set-back. I quit my job for a while to care for her and adjusted to our new routine. We treated her for a suspected UTI and she seemed to gain some control over her bladder. But then, as luck would have it, while we were out of town visiting an acquaintance, she began to describe something unusual.  Her bladder would spasm and lose control. Especially at night.  Instead of waking me, she spent the night alone making trips back and forth to the bathroom and sometimes soiling herself.  A light went off in my brain and suddenly I realized this sounded more like a medication side-effect.  A memory from years back overtook me and I shuddered in fear as I thought of the last time she had experienced side-effects to an antipsychotic.  The doctor called it extrapyramidal side-effects, but I called it "listening to my child scream in pain for hours from muscle rigidity". They told us we were lucky as sometimes a reaction as severe as hers could lead to permanent involuntary movements. Although this was not a painful condition she now was experiencing, suddenly the fear that it could be a permanent one sped me into action. I left my cart with the lop-sided wheel in the middle of the store and I rushed for the car.  I felt so guilty for not having recognized her condition sooner AND then guilty for not remembering that some drugs to counteract the side-effects of the meds were also needed! I had spent the day sight-seeing and having fun putting off her needs, and thinking to care for her later. Apologetically to our hosts,  I whisked her away from our former pleasant outing and started to make the 6-hour drive back home.

Luckily my husband and I found an article that mentioned pseudophed could be used as an alternative to cogentin until a prescription could be obtained. This might successfully stave off the side-effects to her clozaril. Last night we said a long prayer and crossed our fingers.  She woke up this morning rested and dry.  We were so grateful! A part of me is embarrassed, however. Embarrassed I quit my job and just left. Embarrassed I left a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store.  Embarrassed for breaking down at a very nice person's house, but someone I barely knew.  How could I explain to her in moments the events of the last 15 years that led a grown woman to turn into a blubbering fool, pack her car and race off in the night for home? It was something that could not easily be put into words.  I guess, in the end,  none of the above really matters...because my daughter has been dry all day!!! Because I got distraught and decided not to just buy more diapers, but try to remedy the problem, perhaps she is headed for a new beginning.
To mom's of special needs kids everywhere, if I find you crying in the personal needs section, if I see you leave a cart abandoned in the middle of Walmart, if I see you with a load of kids speeding alone in the middle of the night, I will just pray for you to have a safe journey. I am just going to figure perhaps God touched your mind and your heart and told you how best to care for His child...again..and again...boomerang.

Lyrics


How many lies do we have to tell
To keep from saying that I wish you well?
How many times said I'm movin' on?
How many times that false alarm goes off (goes off)
Goes off (goes off)
I know I’ll see you tomorrow
'Cause I'm bad to letting you go, letting you go
Letting you go, letting you go
Movin' on, movin' on, movin' on, movin' on
I'm ready to go, ready to go
Ready to throw, ready to throw
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my boomerang boomerang
How many tears do we have to cry?
How many sleepless, lonely nights?
To work it up, is it worth enough?
Should we go ahead or should we turn around?
I know I’ll see you tomorrow
'Cause I'm bad to letting you go, letting you go
Letting you go, letting you go
Movin' on, movin' on, movin' on, movin' on
I'm ready to go, ready to go
Ready to throw, ready to throw
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my boomerang boomerang
Just because it isn't easy it doesn't means that it's wrong
Everything that we've been workin' on, workin' on so long
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You're my boomerang boomerang (ooh)
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my booma-booma-rang-rang
Letting you go, letting you go (booma-rang-rang)
Letting you go, letting you go (booma-rang-rang)
Movin' on, movin' on (booma-rang-rang)
Movin' on, movin' on (booma-rang-rang)
Ready to go, ready to go (booma-rang-rang)
Ready to throw, ready to throw
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my boomerang boomerang
Letting you go, letting you go (booma-rang-rang)
Letting you go, letting you go (booma-rang-rang)
Movin' on, movin' on (booma-rang-rang)
Movin' on, movin' on (booma-rang-rang)
Ready to go, ready to go (booma-rang-rang)
Ready to throw, ready to throw
You're my boomerang boomerang
You're my boomerang boomerang

Songwriters: Benjamin Arthur McKee / Daniel Coulter Reynolds / Daniel James Platzman / Daniel Wayne Sermon / Jorgen Michael Odegard
Boomerang lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc


Comments

  1. JoDecember 31, 2018 at 8:38 PM

    I love you so much! I know that you are exactly who Heavenly Father needed to take care of your beautiful girls! I'm so thankful for your courage and your example! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete

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