#sleepingonswords

You have been on my mind! You may argue, "Aw...this is a "form letter" or group letter to all the missionaries in the ward, how is "that" personal?" "Heck, I don't know Sister Budge that well, why is she writing to me? " Or, you might even think, "Oh, no! Another letter from home, I hope I don't have to personally respond." I am setting your mind at ease by saying, "You don't have to respond!" And/or maybe this letter is more for me...kinda like when you prepare a talk or lesson it's more for the person preparing it. I was looking at the ward bulletin last week and the missionary list stood out to me. We have 8 missionaries serving from the ward! WOW! That's gotta be some kind of record! I also had the impression, "You could pray for the missionaries in your ward by name! You could also write to them!"Then I was listening to the talk by sister "Runia" in general conference about "Seeing God's Family through the Overview Lens" and the impression became stronger. I felt I really was part of a ward family and as Sister Runia talked about how her dad wrote her weekly while she was in college and this type of cheerleading really made a difference in her life, I remembered my dad had done the same thing and it really made a difference to me too! This prompting meant a lot to me because last week I was feeling guilty. Guilty because I could not perform my simple calling in the ward again. I am supposed to teach in RS once in a great moon, as a substitute. My health and my anxiety got the better of me and I backed out. Since my TIA(minature stroke) a couple of years ago, I feel different. Sometimes I cannot remember words. Sometimes I cannot remember names. This seems to be mostly a "vocal" thing, but my typing or "writing" brain does not seem to be as affected. I can do "bursts" of thinking or speaking, but especially with something preplanned I get lost. I do not enjoy reading as much as I used to because my mind drifts from the topic. I have occasional migraines. Hugely annoying! I kept picturing myself getting lost trying to teach my lesson in relief society and I balked. Maybe, in time, things will improve. What I have noticed, though, is I am gleaning things from the "audible" scriptures and even books I was missing before. Like most things in life, I am discovering hidden blessings of my condition. Maybe one blessing is I am going to start writing the missionaries in the ward. I had an experience I wanted to share with you that happened recently. I have joined a graduate level consortium in the state of Nevada that focuses on persons with disabilities. I was laughing because techincally I meet criteria for a "disabled" person too. I have some modifications in my work as an RN. I have to take more frequent breaks and spread my shifts apart. My company has been very supportive! Anyhow, back to the consortium---I know there is a better word than consortium, my brain just likes the consortium word right now! I met a fellow cohort (student) who seemed to have a similar background to my own. She was LDS, living in Nevada and had some kids with disabilities. We invited her to stay at our house with her husband when we had a conference in Vegas. Everything was going great until the topic of religion came up. She started complainng about how often the prophet was referred to for advice. She thought woman should hold the priesthood.She has a son who is transgender and doesn't feel welcome in church. She mentioned she and her husband were going to pay tithing just one more time and go to the temple just one more time. And then she stated, "We have got to quit asking people to pray and see if the Book Of Mormon is true. We would have a lot more members if we just changed that one thing". When she said these things the spirit seemed to leave our house. It was a discernible phenomena! Even our daughter who was upstairs with a friend and could not hear exactly what was being said could feel the shift in the feeling in our home. My husband had to physically leave the room. So there I was, by myself , in this thick, heated discussion and I did not know what to do. I had a migraine coming on and I voiced a silent prayer. While she had been almost shouting, I felt a calmness descend around me and I said, "I have been reading daily from the Book of Mormon for close to a year now and it has changed my life. I feel a level of peace I can find in no other way. I have a lot going on with my condition and my family's health conditions and I feel peace in my heart for the first time in a long time". She then countered, "Well , that's just your individual experience. We should not be asking everyone to pray and feel thing about the Book of Mormon." I told her, "Actually we should and it is just what our world needs right now. It is an actual promise for everyone from the Book of Mormon in Moroni 10:4. During COVID, sometimes I felt very alone. I would listen to my scriptures when driving back and forth from the hospital. I realized that the persons that compiled the Book of Mormon, Mormon and Moroni were in incredibly ALONE circumstances. They had watched the total destruction of their civilization. They were alone, desperate to search for some kind of hope and they found their record, or scriptures , offered them this hope. They even saw our day and their hope turned to their progenitors. I'm sorry, but when I read Moroni's promise in context, understanding what he had been through for maybe the first time, my heart leapt in my chest and I knew I needed to be reading from this book, everyday for the rest of my life." My guest began anxiously pacing and said, "Well, you've been in the church all your life and you have barely figured it out! How can we expect nonmembers to figure it out? I told her, "Because of another promise. The one Joseph Smith found in the bible, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not"... My guest excused herself to the bathroom and upon her return changed the subject. A few days later, I found myself in the last chapters of Ether. Another civilization that wiped each other completely out! I had forgotten that they had even slept with their swords!!!! Their hatred was so strong!!!! When I woke up the next morning, the HG said, "Did YOU sleep with your sword last night?" At first I was confused and then realized I was still feeling some animosity towards our former guest. In this day and age, our words, our arguing can be a type of sword. I was able to reach out and apologize if I made her feel uncomfortable, but I was still an active member of the church and would stick up for the book that had changed my life. We are on speaking terms again and I feel like once again this book has helped soften my heart. Before if someone offended me I would usually just avoid them and not get over whatever situation. Now, I feel like maybe I won't be sleeping on my sword so much! I was even able to revisit the hospital where I used to work and apologize for some of the "weird" things that had happened to us during COVID. Once again, I credit this book that has changed my life. Because of my condition, I have also not gotten to know a lot of people in the ward. What I can do, or have noticed more, is the spirit in the ward and it is filled with "love". I have been more an observer than anything and our ward has played a big role in healing my heart. Last week I attended a meeting about supports for those with disabilities as part of a class I am taking. Unfortunately, statistics show that houses of worship are actually not always catering to the disability community. I realized then that the statisticians had not visited our ward!!! I told my husband the nickname for our ward is the "CAN DO" ward in the "JUST SHOW UP" stake. When Elder Tyler Arnold was ordained to the priesthood, when Braxton McRae helps pass the sacrament, when Jamison helps pass the sacrament, my heart heals. I unfortunately have not felt disabled persons were as included in other wards I have attended, but here it is actually kinda the norm! Every prayer that is uttered in our ward also includes prayers for the missionaries and this means YOU! I hope you can feel our prayers in the ward. I hope you can feel our love in the ward. Have an awesome week bearing witness to the validity of a book that has changed my life...including no more sleeping on my sword!!! We love you! Sis. Budge and the Providence ward

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